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A small noise was barely audible in the next room. It sounded almost like a squeak- no a kitten's meow, the noise was linked to life in some way; a tiny, helpless life. I followed the petite sound into the next room, just before I gently influenced the door open with my palm a series of giggles and whines found my eardrums, melting my heart into a puddle; overwhelming all my senses and filling me with warm, motherly emotions. I heard a slight shuffle as I opened the door, and peered onward into the room, soon seeing a mother cradling her day old child as it softly groaned, singing the song of new life to the world outside the womb. The newborn did not seem to cry, just seemed to try and communicate what he felt to the world as peacefully as he can. I knew nothing of what he was trying to communicate; I could only guess. Was he trying to reveal a secret of life in his mother’s womb, or perhaps he longed for a small suckle of milk from his mother’s soft breast. Just hearing the child made me long to hold his fragile body, and protect him with all my might.
The precious baby smacked its pink lips together making what sounded like a miniature, wet pop. He reopened his mouth and began gurgling his gentle cry. The average person would grow tired of a noise such as this, but to me its beauty was as great as the first blooming flower of spring; delicate and small as it opened its eyes to the gorgeous world. Unwrapping its brittle shell it called to the world “Hello. Hello, big new place. I am new to you, but know you welcome me with open arms. I will be another one of your beautiful creations, your blessings of life. I am grateful to breathe your air, and I am grateful to be held in warm arms. Thank you, strange new place. Thank you for having me.”
All these words poured out in a series of noises that weren’t understandable, but so beautiful and intricate. As he let out a few last mumbles, I whispered “Welcome to the world. We are so glad to see you. Welcome to the warmth and beauty of life.”
Wow. That was very nice. I liked you you used phrases, such as "My heart melted into a puddle..."I also liked how you personified and used a simile to describe the relationship between the baby and the first blooming flower of spring.
ReplyDeleteI loved how you used interesting words in interesting places, for example saying "...just as I gently influenced the door open with my palm..." instead of saying "...just as I gently opened the door..." You also used nice similes for example "It sounded almost like a squeak- no a kitten's meow..." to describe the sound the baby made. Finally, you used nice personification when you described what the baby might try to be saying in the last paragraph.
There is only one thing that could have possibly made your story come more to life. You could have described the sounds just a little more. I liked how you described it with all five senses, however, for that piece of work, it seems to me that you'd want to focus more on the sounds, and show them to us.
Overall, outstanding, and definitely better than what I wrote. Heheheh...
I like the way you use different things to compare to each other like when you said’ It sounded almost like a squeak- no a kitten's meow, the noise was linked to life in some way; a tiny, helpless life.
ReplyDeleteYou also use great similes for example melting my heart into a puddle. I also love babies so I can relate to your whole post. You describe the baby and its sounds in such away that you feel as if you are right there watching the baby.’
I also like the way you said’ The average person would grow tired of a noise such as this, but to me its beauty was as great as the first blooming flower of spring; delicate and small as it opened its eyes to the gorgeous world.' this makes me feel as if you are a very nice loving caring person because, you enjoy the sounds that other people find quite annoying.
This whole piece captured me because you are a very descriptive and talented writer. I felt as if you just blew my away so you didn’t need to improve any were besides describe the sound more than saying what the sound is asking for.You also described all five senses like we went over in wex.Great job sketch. from ceara(jesus loves you)